Remember the time when you thought i was angry?

It was a cloudy day and it was raining cats and dogs. But I found a window to escape from the prison people commonly call "Home". I took 339 Katraj bus from Santnagar bus stop. Put a 70 bucks day pass behind the cover of my mobile. Sat on the last corner window seat. Plugged in my headphones and a playlist played with "Kabira". It was obnoxiously dark and drizzling. I had a strong cup of coffee just like I love it. The bus moved slowly through the chaos created in this wet weather. And the lyrics played

"Kaisee teri khudgarzee,

Na dhoop chune na chhaaon".

It nudged a pinch of sadness into my mind, which then poured a cup full of unexpressed feelings and a bowl of emptiness and anxiety. The same old record of thoughts kept playing in my mind. Depression struck me repeatedly like the plague. I became full of emotions which I had no idea how to deal with. I was struggling with all the sentiments coming out like a fountain. With the melancholic music playing in my mind, fueled by anger one question arose - "Why me? Why does it always have to be me ?". I was filled with rage on my ability to mask all my problems to the world and on the normal reaction of the world over this mask. Suddenly I rushed from my seat, as epinephrine rushed from my heart and I surged through the crowd and walked out of the bus at Deccan. In the inconsistent crowd and the buses, the only thing constant was the feeling inside. I walked about 500m and entered Boka Book Cafe. It was quiet and empty. I paid 50 bucks for 3 hours. Sat on the table in the first row. The empty space in my mind was loud all of a sudden. And it was too much so I tried to reach out, talk it out. I tried to express but it didn't work. It didn't work because what I needed was not the same as what I received. The impotency of recognizing what someone requires in these situations makes you feel lonely. And when this action, this inability repeats, you lose your trust in the person. You feel unheard, you feel anger running through every cell of your body.

I opened my bullet journal and wished to express in this empty, blank, neutral space of expression. I grabbed my Pigma Micron pen and started writing but just couldn't. It was one of those moments where no words could justify these feelings and the only way to say it all, was not saying anything at all, an empty page. I was trying to shut an erupting volcano. I tried distracting myself by grabbing the Biology book and reading it. But I couldn't focus or remember anything I read. The anger and disappointment were consuming me and I was losing my temper. Right then a mild yet alarming notification sound from my phone left me irritated. It was a text from a friend saying "hey", "What's up?" My mind was about to explode at this simple yet disturbing question. All the rage that had bottled up was now going to end up using into answering this question with sarcasm, rudeness, and irritation. But I ended up giving another chance at being heard and expressed. With the last ounce of hope left inside, I made an attempt to talk about it, to get help.

My vein started throbbing and I was amazed at receiving the disappointment which I had suspected before but yet I ignored it with the last piece of hope. I was boiling with rage and like any angry person, I said some things out loud. I wasn't surprised by how my people felt hurt and angry at me because I tried to vent out my anger at them. Like I said people are in a hurry to respond and label your actions that they never really take some time out to understand the real situation behind that rage and that mask which I was forced to wear. In the eye of society, an angry person is someone who is out of control all the time. Someone who is selfish and self-centered. Someone who is a dramatic attention-seeking person. Someone who is cold-hearted and happy in their own ego. Someone who is unwanted just because the world fails to see the truth behind the emotion.

Have you ever wondered why someone is so furious? What might be the truth hiding behind this disguise emotion? Did you ever try to look in the eye of a person and see the pain in the eyes?

NO!

Anger is a secondary emotion that easily hides primary emotion like fear, sadness, anxiety beneath it. Its an umbrella holding loneliness, depression, petrified emotions inside. It's a cry for help, for love, for understanding the pain. It's a call for a desperate need for a hug, for affection from the closest person. It's a need for a shoulder to cry endlessly out loud. Sometimes it becomes a way of dumping the pile of trash filled inside your mind that's troubling you for days. It's a search for space to not be misunderstood or be judged and to get seen past the anger. A need for a soul who sees the threads a person is hanging by, the broken heart behind the hurtful words they say in anger.

I left the cafe, in the end, feeling defeated in a battle to make my people understand me. I left with a pile of anger buried inside me deep down. An exceptional experience I had carried with myself. I dropped my bag of trust and a pocketful of people on my way to prison also my Home.